Shutdown

Before you start reading this look at the picture and think of the eomotions it show, I'm gonna ask you to look at it again in the end of this for anything new you see in it.I now know why people keep Blogs and Myspaces... It's so they don't have to deal with their problems right up front, yet it’s still resolved partially making the emotional weight over bearing. Because of this I think I unknowingly wanted to feel the tension lifted as well. However I don’t really share my opinion or problems, so it stays bottled up inside making a feeling of uselessness and unwanted. I often find my self thinking of what could happen if I do something wrong or what could happen if I do it right. Often the thoughts turn out negative, like not up to expectations or failing at a simple task that anyone could do. This makes me bring my self down and not want to do anything willingly. I don’t want to talk about what really burdens me for judgmental reasons. In fact due to not wanting to be judged on grammar I’m currently writing this in word so it has correct spelling and close to proper grammar. The problems truly inside tear at me inside, yet I don’t have the courage to speak of them. Because of this I feel as if it’ll destroy me eventually. However due to the fear of suicide or taking the life of someone else I feel a small bit of reassurance. Because of this weight I feel, I strive to contain and keep almost perfection in anything I do (as long as I’m good at it from the start, other wise I just drop it quickly). Because of the little bit of the many burdens I feel has been lifted I wish I could find the courage to continue talking about things that bother me, but I don’t, in fact I feel the best way to resolve it is directly. So because I can’t talk about my problems I’m thinking of shutting down my blog. Until I know for sure I don’t, it will still be up. I hope no one feels the way I do everyday for at least an hour. The feeling is indescribably terrible. Luckily God has given me enough control over my self to not take my own life. And just as a side note, when you see me stare off into nothing and say I’m fine, those are the times when I feel like… useless, unneeded unwanted, uncared for, unable, untrustworthy. Even these words don’t describe the emotions completely. It’s taken me a while to even find these words and still there not strong enough, it only gives a glimpse of the whole thing. Now look at the picture again, does it show the same emotions as last time you looked at it?