Friday

Well today's friday so I need to update. Lets see, at the end of school I was like, YES!!! no school for three days!!! (Memorial Day) But when I got home... ugh :-( I was ok for a little while taking a nap. Then my Mom called and said to come over and do some more sanding. I've been called over five times now and she still says I've done a bad job. So I go over, say I've done the best I could. Then she says, use a spot for reference for when I'm done, and gives two spots that need more work... I said I couldn't find anymore! So I fix those spots and the spots connected to them, leave clean the dust off and guess what? She calls again and says I'm still not done!!! So my brother goes over and asks me what I did wrong. I point to four spots (three of which I can't do anything about because the sheetrock isn't level) and he says ok fix it, gives me a lecture and then I point out that our Mom doesn't work that way and I show a few spots that need mudding. He says ok don't do any sanding because tomorrow I need to mud some more. He goes, talks with our MOm then says I don't need to do any work because she said she was doing all the work alone. Score!!! No work on the room. :-) But I foind out I might need to mow the lawn on monday. (but it's a maybe so I'm right now having a good day) :-D So all in all Today was different. By the way if you don't know, (which you probably do) when I was saying sanding and mudding I was talking about house work. Currently my Mom is working on adding a new room to her house... Thing.

schedule

I've decided that I've posted on my blog on completely random days, depending if I felt up to posting and if I had something to post. XP
So from now on I'm going to post on every fridays, no matter what. This way Everyone will know when to expect a new post instead of having to check daily, like some people. >.>
So anyways what happend today was way out of the ordinary. Today during lunch my cousin decides to ask the group we eat in "Who do they think will stay a virgin the longest?" Then without hesitation someone points to me! After that everyone agrees that I would. At the point I was like "Oh gee thanks" but now that I think about it I relize it's a very good thing. To stay a virgin, at least until your married saves something for your wife/husbands. (for girls reading this :-P I'm not going to marry a guy >.<) Then I decided to ask who's NOT a virgin. As ironc as it was I think only one raised their hand, and he wasn't sure if he was still a virgin. So that made me feel better because I wasn't the only virgin. (not including my cousin) So till tomorrow. By the way, if you I don't mind if you comment, I would just like to know what your blog name is. I don't really care though, I'm not picky. ^^
Hasta Luego
Till next time ^^
Adios, bye

Odd

Today was a regular sunday (church then hang out with a few friends) but one thing was missing. A deadline to be home. Today we could have hung out till everyone was tired and wanted to get some sleep. So we went, played crochet (first time) and just played a few game with the junior Highers (youth group). So now I'm home and looked to see if any of the online comics have been updated. Nope ;_;. So now I'm here to rant about how today was normal... But odd in some ways. So now for another poem I've written some time ago. Called "who can guide us". This is the last one I have. The other ones I wrote like years ago were accidently wiped off my hard drive ;_;.
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Who can Guide us

Who can guide us all to safety,

Where everyone has their own will,

We can never really see it,

For we’re blind by our guilt.

Who can really show us,

There love would be so great,

It would be like rain,

Soft and gentle like it is.

So who really shows us,

Who’s right and wrong,

Always watching,

Making us strong.
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Interesting.... Well thats all of them. Seeya next time. ^^

Overload O_O

Starting a few days ago I haven't been able to concentrate on anything all the well. Often in 5th and 2nd period I wouldn't be able to focus on the words and fall asleep for 15 mins. After that I could read again. I think it was because I haven't been getting alot of sleep recently. I have no idea what time I go to bed (I think somewhere around 11:00) and I end up waking about and hour to half and hour earlier than my alarm (6:00). So today I took a nap (So happy I could ^^), but I had to wake up and do the dishes. Then this is where my title comes in. I COULD NOT FOCUS ON WHAT I WAS DOING O_O. I was thinking do dishes, stall time, get MP3 Player, so my mind after I woke up went psyco! I made odd noises every once in a while while mispronouncing words, couldn't remember what I was doing when I was standing next to it (my memory's already bad), and my brother commented that it sounded like I was drunk (very reasuring). After I got out of that I thought about that. I relized in the morning I go on autopilot and get things necesary done, not very social. Then after an hour I finally am awake enough to actually talk to people (luckly I am awake at home for about an hour before I get on the bus). Then at night to shutdown my brain go's on overdrive! then after anywhere from a half hour to two hours poof, I'm out. So for some odd reason I SHOULD have paper next to my bed to write down what I was thinking at night (amputation and replacement body parts, still don't understand how I got it to work -_-). So to finish this off I'm going to post another poem I made back I don't know how long labled "Something or Nothing".
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Something or Nothing

Could there be anything in this life,

Something that’ll make us live,

Live the life we should always live,

Live a life of new.

There is someone,

Someone for the spirit,

This someone will never turn from us,

He loves us,

Cares for us,

Always they’re for us.

He is the only thing worth living for,

He can cure us of anything like he did before,

All he asks of us,

Is to follow in his ways,

So that when the time comes for us,

God will lead the way.
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Hmm... same idea, different emotions. I think I wrote these last summer.

Apology

I'm sorry for yesterdays rant, it kinda got outta control with the picture and discription. I'm sorry if I made anyone worry about me after reading it. Although I do like the fact that after I read it now it slightly gives the picture a different look, I didn't know I could do that to my self O_O. So anyway to extend this rant a little I'm going to post a poem I wrote... I don't know when I wrote it. It's titled "Beyond"... Hope you enjoy it. ^^
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Beyond

Beyond any human thought,

Beyond anything we’ve heard,

Something calling us to come to him,

Something telling us to hear.

He calls us to join him,

Live and call him god,

But were so blinded by are thought,

Were the ones that are wrong.

Could it be pride,

Holding us from eternal life?

No,

It’s something inside us all,

Something we all want,

And that is…

Control over us.
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... I think I made it when I was in that sort of time like last rant. Didn't relize I felt like that so much. -_-

Shutdown

Before you start reading this look at the picture and think of the eomotions it show, I'm gonna ask you to look at it again in the end of this for anything new you see in it.I now know why people keep Blogs and Myspaces... It's so they don't have to deal with their problems right up front, yet it’s still resolved partially making the emotional weight over bearing. Because of this I think I unknowingly wanted to feel the tension lifted as well. However I don’t really share my opinion or problems, so it stays bottled up inside making a feeling of uselessness and unwanted. I often find my self thinking of what could happen if I do something wrong or what could happen if I do it right. Often the thoughts turn out negative, like not up to expectations or failing at a simple task that anyone could do. This makes me bring my self down and not want to do anything willingly. I don’t want to talk about what really burdens me for judgmental reasons. In fact due to not wanting to be judged on grammar I’m currently writing this in word so it has correct spelling and close to proper grammar. The problems truly inside tear at me inside, yet I don’t have the courage to speak of them. Because of this I feel as if it’ll destroy me eventually. However due to the fear of suicide or taking the life of someone else I feel a small bit of reassurance. Because of this weight I feel, I strive to contain and keep almost perfection in anything I do (as long as I’m good at it from the start, other wise I just drop it quickly). Because of the little bit of the many burdens I feel has been lifted I wish I could find the courage to continue talking about things that bother me, but I don’t, in fact I feel the best way to resolve it is directly. So because I can’t talk about my problems I’m thinking of shutting down my blog. Until I know for sure I don’t, it will still be up. I hope no one feels the way I do everyday for at least an hour. The feeling is indescribably terrible. Luckily God has given me enough control over my self to not take my own life. And just as a side note, when you see me stare off into nothing and say I’m fine, those are the times when I feel like… useless, unneeded unwanted, uncared for, unable, untrustworthy. Even these words don’t describe the emotions completely. It’s taken me a while to even find these words and still there not strong enough, it only gives a glimpse of the whole thing. Now look at the picture again, does it show the same emotions as last time you looked at it?

Discoragement

The week started ok every once in a while I was down but it turned around and I felt ok. But today it's night, there's no time for a turn-around before I goto bed, except maybe telling about today. It started alright, school I accidently kept someone's cards so their probably gonna be mad tomorrow. Then I get home, couple of chores, 45 min bike ride for a make-up in P.E. , nothing too bad. Then around 9:00 or so I was on a game (FlyFF I have a link to the website). In it I have three friends in a guild. One of them invited me, but I needed approval from the guild leader, so I thought ok should be no problem. I go ask her and she said to wait till I was level 35. I was a little stuck by that but I thought hey it's just a game so I have a timelimit to get to level 35 ok. But after that it all went down hill. I got in a debate with my brother and sister-in-law. I lost BADLY! The debate was about how games are good for you. I was the one supporting it. ;_; I was thinking about how it was helpful NOW and not later (after death). I said depending on what game it is it can be good for strategic mind build, however deteriorates muscle except the ones used for the controler. They brought up that our bodies are the temples of God (christian). I got frustated after that because I couldn't tell them how if you bring that part of life (after life) into it Budists can do the same thing (however I didn't give an example). I wanted to say they could say it keeps them from spinning the prayer wheels (there by being bad for them more than it is good). HOWEVER I didn't do that because everytime I tried to say that I was cut off and forgot it. Then when I remembered I was cut off AGAIN!!! I got so frustrated because they were taking what I was saying out of the meaning, twisting my words so they backfired, although I did that also but I confessed that I did and said I shouldn't because it causes more twisting of words and frustration for all of us. So after I lost this I felt greatly discoraged to speak out or even type about it. Then it hit me! I've been put down in virtualy all aspects of my life, and the only one I've been least put down in and have actualy in a sence won was in math. Math there is only one right answer until you apply it to life, then it gets complicated. I said that if we were half our size we would have more strength in perportion to our body weight. My brother on the other hand didn't agree. he said that if we were double our size we would have 4 times our original strength. But I prooved that we lost percentage compared to our body weight (if were double our size we would be 9 times our original weight). He refused to lose so he said it's not possible for someone to live while being the size of an ant or spider (I can't argue with that), however I still said we would be stronger half our size. He got mad and said it's pointless because it can't happen. So I felt like I won but lost because he refused to lose. So I've been discouraged my whole life about speaking out and it's gotten to the point I'm still fearful to write this, and it's just getting worse with the more I write. But I feel some reasurence that it'll be read by people, but still fearful of the comment that my brother will leave if he reads it. So I'm gonna stop before I'm too afraid to push the post button.

I can't do it!

Some people need to understand what they don't know and what I don't know don't make it ok for me to do. I'll say this more clearly. I can't do anything unless I'm taugh how to do it. Other wise I do a crappy job and don't get it done. If the person teaching me how to do something doesn't know themselves, they shouldn't be teaching me! And after there done with there general explanation it doesn't make it so I can so it! I'm ranting on about this because my Mom had me do some mudding a few weeks ago and now she's having me SCRAPE it off a little. But she doesn't know how to do that, so she gave me the tool and gave me a general explanation of sliding it across the mud! I did a cappy job because I didn't know what to do. And she STILL wanted me to keep going!
Ok this rant is over. Sorry I just went on complaining.
Little extra note I've been working on completing Dragon Warriors I on Game Boy Color. I'm ALMOST done but I got pulled away right before the end.

First Timer

Hey, this is my first time having a blog of my own. I have many friends who have these and Myspaces which I don't really care much about. Since this is my first time having a blog, I'm gonna say a little bit about my self. I'm 15, just got my drivers permit, I often stay at home on my computer, and I like anime. Although I have a lot of time on my hands I can't seem to tell what to do with it, so in the end I play any game I feel currently nagging me to finsh (So just to warn you most of my blogging will be about games or teenage overexagerations.). So as of today I will give a little insight of how I see my life. I don't know how long this will last depending on how many people find my blog that I know. Anyway if you have any tips on how to make my blog better please add a comment.